The Un-Happy Anniversary

A few weeks ago we celebrated our one-year marriage anniversary -- a happy anniversary indeed.  As I looked back on that day, I remembered how much my face hurt from smiling.  I was so happy to finally be marrying the man I'd known and loved for 6 years and I couldn't wait to start our new life together.  I dreamed of all the things that the next 6 years and 6 decades would bring.  But, I didn't know what the next six days would bring.

Two short days later, my body started attacking me.  I tried to convince myself that it was something small that the chiropractor could fix.  But the hours turned to days and deep down, I knew something was wrong. Everyone (doctors included) thought I was crazy and brushed it off as something that would fix itself.  But I kept pushing and demanding that something be done. And finally it was.  One year ago today, on the way to the airport to leave for our honeymoon, I was given a diagnosis that rocked my happy little world.  Very quickly, I decided that I was not going to let the diagnosis ruin my world, but looking back, it sure changed the way I looked at it.

I'm not going to say that I magically had a world of rainbows at my feet and jumped through the clouds.  I felt worthless for awhile.  I felt as though an earthquake hit my world, but after I got over the shock, I knew I had to collect the pieces and get through it.  I knew that God had bigger plans and if I wallowed in my pity, He wasn't going to be able to use me.  So, I flashed back to my high school psychology classes of the seven stages of grief and went through them as quickly as possible. 

I absolutely had shock and denial. I didn't want to believe it.  I wanted to believe that the doctors were right when they said it was nothing.  But deep down, I knew it was something.  Once the diagnosis was made, I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.  And let me tell you, I cried over some REALLY silly things.  Like a hair barrette.  Seriously. Then I felt guilty.  Guilty that my husband of two weeks was plagued with a wife that was sick with more than a flu. 

Then I got really mad.  I was mad that I was no longer a normal, healthy 24 year old woman.  I admit, I did a little bargaining with God.... If He would take it away, I would do great things for Him.  HA.  Looking back, I'm sure God chuckled.  I didn't realize that it was possible that this diagnosis WAS the way for me to do great things through Him.

Without a job or any friends close by at our new location, I quickly felt myself going into slight depression.  That is when I decided it was time to snap out of it.  I might have been given a diagnosis, but I couldn't allow this diagnosis to have me.  I went out and got a job.  A minimum wage job... but it got me out of the house.  It made me feel somewhat worthwhile.  It humbled me and made me realize how many blessings and people I had taken for granted in the past.  I also learned that no matter how small my paycheck is, God will take care of me and will use me!

I started a treatment that I had been researching and gave ALL of me and my issues to God.  And He started working through them for me.  My symptoms slowly disappeared.  I got a few more job interviews for better jobs and I finally got a job that is perfect for me.   Now, life isn't perfect by any means.  I still have bad days.  I still have symptoms, but  I've learned so much and my perspective has completely changed in so many ways.

One year ago, if you asked me how we'd celebrate our wedding anniversary, I probably would've come up with some romantic trip or setting -- a nice Italian dinner with lots of breads, pastas and carbs followed by a load of chocolate everything.   But today, I'm faced with the reality that unless I go to the organic store and buy the special products and make it myself, Italian and chocolate, along with many other things are mostly out of the question.  But, it doesn't even matter.  I have a wonderful man standing beside me no matter what comes our way.  He reads labels with me.  He makes sure I'm taken care of when we go out to eat with a group.  He attempts to understand and help me in every way he can.   And THAT my friends, is romantic to me.  So today, the way I see it, as long as I spend my anniversary with him, the food and the place do not matter!

Work has become less important to me than it used to be.   My current job isn't full time and I'm okay with that.  I've realized that I don't need to conquer the world at once, but rather just one person at a time.  Spending my time serving the needs of others and truly listening to people has become more important than answering an email about something that truly doesn't matter.  I've realized that making a living with a large paycheck isn't as important as making (or keeping) a quality LIFE. 

My life over the past year has certainly had trials and pains (physical and emotional) and I'm sure there will be more to follow.  But I've learned that just because I have pain, doesn't mean that I have to be one!  I've realized that we all have pain... but the suffering part of that is optional.   It's all in our attitude and I refuse to be a sufferer.

I've learned how to admit that I can't do it all (that was a big one!) and ask for help from others (another biggie) and from God.  I have also learned how to truly be thankful for the small things in life. Waking up.  Going to work.  Driving.  Walking.  Being able to write, type, and read. I do believe I am a walking miracle. The doctors would say that I shouldn't be able to do what I'm doing.  They'd say that the disease should have progressed severely.  But it hasn't.  Praise the Lord.  

While some would reflect on the past year as a sad story, I will not.  I have truly been given so many blessings to count over the past year and I am looking to the future with excitement, not sadness or worry!

This is a song I just heard this week that is very fitting:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9lRpyZIuH0

I am positive that life will throw me more curve balls, but I've learned how to take what life throws at me and to throw a few things back. With God's help, I've learned to turn the lemons into lemonade and I am trying hard to turn every test into a testimony. I can only hope the next year will bring as much growth as this year has!